Illusions
by divergenceintheimpala
Summary: Jo loved Dean. Dean loved Jo. But, when sent off to war, something clicks inside of him. Upon returning, he isn't the same man he once was. For Jo, this leads to desperate, drastic measures, in order to feel sane, to feel safe.
1. Prologue

Illusion;

Prologue.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. He changed, once he came back. He wasn't the same man that once upon a time, Joanna Beth had fallen in love with.

When he was out there, he experienced something horrible; in the war, he was on the front line. He didn't sit back and watch. He went out there and tried his best to make a difference, for his country. Protecting them. Unfortunately, he became attached to someone out there. He made a best friend out in the war. Something of which some would call dangerous in a place like that.  
They did everything together- they relied on each other to get through the tough times of the war. However, when it came to fighting on the front line, something terrible happened.

Whilst off fighting the opposing enemies, his best friend got shot down. A singular bullet, plunged through his chest. Dean looked everywhere for him; desperate to find his friend. He could hear the sounds of his fellow fighters, calling out: _'Man down, man down!' _And he knew. He knew that it wasn't anyone else. That it was his friend. He became panicked. He had to find him.

He ran as fast as the wind, dodging every bullet that attempted to knock him down. But he was determined.

When he found him, it wasn't a pleasant sight...  
Crimson floods drenched his shirt, his vest, his jacket. Everything was soaked in his blood. He sobbed that day. Because it was right. He didn't cry for long; he had to be strong for his friend. He prayed that he would make it out alive... But he didn't. He was restrained. Dragged away from his friend as they disposed of his body. He screamed the whole way, putting up a fight as he begged to see him once more.

But he was refused.

Refused the opportunity to say goodbye.

And to this day on, he remained cold. Bitter. Frozen.

It scared Jo.

Jo didn't know how to handle him.

And so, she did something drastic. Something that would change her life forever.


	2. Chapter 1: Nerves

Chapter 1;

Jo had met Dean in a bar. She swore on her life that she wouldn't fall in love, but she couldn't help it. She did it. She fell more and more in love with Dean Winchester each day she saw him. She couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same way about her the way she did for him.  
The day they met in the bar, it was particularly empty. There were only three other people in there with them. They sat in the stools next to each at the bar. Instantly, the pick up lines were falling from his mouth and she fell for each one, adoring the way they hooked into her and pulled her closer to him, reeling her in like a fish on a hook.

But she didn't care. She didn't care what he did because it seemed that she loved every thing he did. To her, every single thing about him was interesting, and they seemed to mesh together perfectly, the conversation never ceasing for a single second.

She leaned on the bar, listening to him intently as he spoke.  
"Will I see you again?"  
"I don't know. Do you want to?"  
"Well, I wouldn't hate it."  
"I'll see... Maybe I'll stop by and visit. In the mean time though, have my number." He looked at her with vibrant, hopeful eyes for a split second before taking a piece of a napkin and scrawling his number onto it, sliding it into her hand, whilst she gave him his.  
"I look forward to your call. I guess you better head off- got better things to do other than sit here and talk with me." She mumbled, her hands tapping awkwardly on the empty beer bottle.  
"I'd love to stay. Honestly. But I can't. I have somewhere to be."  
Jo just nodded in understanding and waved him off before returning to her bedroom, sulking. Her eyes bore into her cell phone, almost like she was going to burn a hole in it with her high hopes and expectations that he would actually call.

And he did.

An hour or so later, he did call her. He did want to talk to her after all! Her face lit up like a child at Christmas and she sat there for two hours, talking to him on the phone, the smug grin on her face not disappearing for a second.

"Hey, Joanna? Will you be interested in going on a date with me next week? Saturday, maybe?" He asked, his voice seemingly innocent and pure.

Jo was more excited than ever, her heart skipping a nervous beat. "I'd love to. Pick me up at eight, lover boy." She added, just for a teasing affect. The call ended with a laugh from both sides and then they both went to sleep, dreaming of positivity and most likely each other.

The next day, the date happened. Jo would be pacing her bedroom, panicking about how it was going to go. She even went through the struggle of waking up early to make sure everything was ready. Packing a small bag, money, phone, keys... Double checking it, making sure she had everything. She did this at least twice an hour. Jo trashed her room, throwing plaid shirts and ripped jeans all over her floor. She looked at the dresses she had in disgust. Until she found a pretty little black one. Pleased with herself, she threw it on, spending hours making sure she got her hair and make up just right, which took a while. Reason being she had incredibly shaky hands, the frustration building up. At times, she was ready to just give up and forget about this date. But she didn't; because she was determined and had wanted to go on this date with him for ages! Now she had got her chance, she wasn't throwing it away.

Unlike Joanna, Dean didn't spend nearly as much time. He shoved everything he needed into his jean pockets. Jeans... Worn, jeans. Clearly he didn't want to make much of an impression like Jo did. However, he did shower, shave, put on cologne and spend ages trying to get his hair right. It was somewhat adorable, the way he made sure he looked good. Maybe it was just him being vain, though.

He left early to buy her a single rose, thinking it would leave a good impression on her. Then, getting into his impala, he drove over to her house. He took a deep breath, gazed into the mirror nervously and got out, making his way to the front door, rose in hand. Raising his free hand, he knocked gently on the door, waiting patiently.

Jo heard the knock and her heart fluttered, skipping a beat nervously. She took a deep breath.  
_My time to shine.  
_She then got up, making her way carefully downstairs in a pair of heels that she had never worn in her life. In fact; she had never worn heels before.  
She had to practice for a few hours on how to walk in heels before the date.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she bit her lip nervously, fluffed her hair and flattened her dress and then opened the door.

_Damn._  
Both agreed with that thought mentally, each person gazing over each other intently, a soft smile on their faces.  
It was evident, that despite Dean being dressed down, she fell head over heels for his amazing looks. She blushed under his gaze and fixed herself, chuckling sheepishly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  
Dean looked over her, eyes scanning her curiously. She was stunning, and felt too under-dressed compared to her. He couldn't even speak. His words became jumbled, he was a stammering mess before her. His breath caught in his throat and instead, he just snapped his mouth shut, and thrust the rose towards her in the most unromantic manner.  
Jo didn't mind.  
Not at all.  
Instead, she just gave a very childish chuckle and took the rose. As their hands touched, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek as a thank you. Dean grinned confidently and held out his arm to her. Politely, she took it and they walked out of the door together.

They drove in silence; both nervous wrecks. Neither of the two knew how to start a conversation. Very unlike Dean. Dean was generally bubbling with things to say, trying to flirt with her and talk to her in an attempt to make her like him even more. Not this time though. He was too nervous to open his mouth, in case he said something wrong. His hands clutched the wheel, knuckles white.

"Calm down; I don't bite, y'know." Jo finally said, her voice a soft, calming whisper.  
"I know. I'm sorry." Instantly, upon hearing her honey-like voice, he relaxed and drove calmly to their date destination.

The date was successful. Both had a great time, enjoyed their meal. Jokes were made and laughter was to be heard. After about ten minutes of the date, they finally opened up to each other more, both making casual conversation and flirting with each other in the most teenage fashion. It was sweet and innocent.

Dean drove her back home. He turned off the engine outside her house and gazed over at it, the lights on. Obviously, her mom was waiting up for her to return. Most likely pacing, ready to plan her '_I'm ashamed of you'_ speech. But she didn't need to. He got her home ten minutes before curfew. He wanted to make a lasting good impression. They sat together in the impala for a few minutes, talking and making small jokes.  
"Thank you for tonight, Dean. I really liked it." Jo told him, her gaze meeting his.  
"No, thank you. I had a great time. Most fun I've ever had, really." He confessed.  
"I can say the same. I guess I better go now." She sighed, somewhat disappointed that she had to leave and return to her home. If she had her way, if she wasn't too afraid to rebel, she would stay out all night with him, doing whatever they wanted. Maybe even go on an adventure together... but she didn't. Because she was afraid.

When she was ready to get out of the car and open the door, Dean rested his hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him.  
And in that small, quick moment... He kissed her. Her lips were soft, gentle. As were his...

She smiled and he returned the fond smile. "See you tomorrow."  
"Yeah, see you..." She muttered, in a confused daze. She waved him goodbye and she was back home again.

And he was gone.

The night was over.

And after that one night, their relationship blossomed into something more than just friends. He took her to places she had never been before, and she loved every single date they went on together. Before she knew it... They were falling more and more in love with each other.

That's all it took.

That's all it took for their relationship to become something beautiful, something real.

Love.


	3. Chapter 2: Flames

Chapter 2; Flames

Time had progressed and Joanna and Dean were beginning to get to know each other pretty well and were soon discovering things about each other, learning facts and insights on each other and their families. They generally did this late at night, clocking up extortionate phone bills of which both parents would complain about. However, neither of them cared.

As the days past and they eventually began to go on more, frequent dates, it became more than just a little peck on the cheek. Dean was a confident male and as the date ended, he took the first step towards closing the gap between the pair and was willingly ready to kiss her. She didn't mind though; she was all too willing to make the next step and press her lips to his for a short, sweet moment. Her cheeks became pink, and he gave a slight smirk, and brushed his hand down her arm and bid her farewell, telling her that they would see each other again.

And they did.

They saw each other the very next day, this time, their relationship excelling even further.

Dean pressed breathy kisses to her neck as he pushed down her plaid shirt that covered her plain white vest, sucking the flesh gently to leave a soft bruise to show that he had marked her and that she was now his. Jo didn't complain though- not in the slightest. She blushed slightly, but she didn't let her somewhat embarrassment ruin the mood. This is what she wanted, this is what he wanted. A little bit of a blush wasn't going to ruin the mood. Soon enough, they were stripped down to their undergarments and that was all that was left to cover their smooth skin, fingers tracing over the contours and dips in their bodies, the contrast of calloused on smooth. It was a strange, but pleasant feeling.

Soon enough, they were panting for breath, gasping and whispering sweet nothings to each other as they ended in a bundle of sweat and laughter, the flames dampening to a dwindling fire in each of their hearts.

"I love you, Joanna Beth. I do. And I'd really like it if you'd be my girlfriend." He whispered in her ear, kissing her temple. She simply laughed, and he felt a little offput from asking the question, now that she was laughing at him. Although, she nodded and accepted the offer. "Were you going to suggest that we had sex for nothing, Dean Winchester?" She gasped over-dramatically, but wore a cheerful and playful smile on her face that lit up her face, Dean mirroring her expressions as he smiled too, happy for the first time in quite a while. He shook his head. "I could never suggest that we would have sex for nothing, Miss Harvelle. That would be out of the question!" He mocked, grinning as he played about with her, the two of them laughing and rolling on the bed, limbs still tangled together, fused, almost due to their sweat causing them to be sticky. Neither of them really cared, though.

After an intense hour, they laid there together, whispering small things to each other as they brushed their fingers along each other's arms, drawing patterns and admiring how one another looked. Within those small moments, they began to fall in love, and they fell asleep knowing that; their relationship was going to be just fine. 


	4. Chapter 3: In for a surprise

Chapter 3: In for a surprise.

Dean and Jo had been together for about six months now. They acted as every young, fresh couple did. Deeply in love. Or that's what they thought, anyway. Every single gaze was full of love, adoration for one another. Each smile so incredibly enthusiastic. Every time their lips touched, it was like a drug, an addiction. They couldn't get enough of each other. But their love- it was pure, youthful and full of innocence. They rarely argued, but when they did, they could never stay angry at each other. They were generally mad at each other for about ten minutes before they were calling each other up, or going to each other's house. Whenever it was Dean apologising, he would turn up at her door with a goofy smile, and a small, cheap bouquet of colorful flowers. She would just smile and laugh, kiss his cheek and tell him that she forgave him. She would accept the flowers and invite him in. It always ended up with him staying the night. She didn't mind though.

This time, Dean had promised her an incredibly romantic night. It was definitely a night full of romance. They were both dressed up in formal attire. Ellen was proud of her and especially of him. She smiled at the two and couldn't help but take a picture. It was one that she could see herself putting on the wall of the corridor.  
"Ready?" He asked her, with a small smile playing on his lips. She took the rose that he held delicately between his fingers and held it in her hands, rolling it between her fingers. She tiptoed and gave him a small peck on the cheek. "I'm ready." With that, he smiled back at Ellen, and led her out to the car, helping her inside. While he was incredibly excited about the evening, he was also dreading how it was going to end;

Giving her something beautiful, just to take it away again in one heart wrenching sentence.

For now, he would just make the best of the moment they had in front of them, and not worry about how broken she was going to be in the next couple of hours. Goddamn, he hated himself for this. But he had no choice. This was something he had to do. This is what he was good for- always playing with the soldier toys, the action men... This was where Dean was destined to be. However, he was so torn apart. He was meant to be in two places. He was meant to be with Jo, holding her in his arms, comforting her in the tough times. And then he was meant to be a fighter.

They had dinner, and they laughed, they smiled. He held her hands, his calloused fingers brushing over her silky smooth skin. He was going to miss that. He was going to miss her touch.  
_Don't cry. Not now. Not ever. Be strong. Show her that you care, that there isn't a single thing wrong. That you're happy right now. That you're not going to be going away in just two weeks..._

_Fourteen days._

She sat there, looking into the emerald green pools of his eyes, all the different flecks and tones. There were so many...So many to get lost in. Her eyes flickered as she watched his eyelids open and close, the way his pupils constricted and widened once again. How the black holes absorbed the colour, and then would push it back out again, revealing it to her. So many colours that were incredibly impossible to ever memorise.

Despite her eyes being a muddy brown, and his an emerald green, she still thought that her eyes were so beautiful; that they were so special, as it just made her face look so innocent and pure. She could be a symbol of peace. A dove. They sat there sipping champagne, laughing. Then he decided to make a toast to her.

"To you, Joanna Beth. To the most wonderful, purest, caring, considerate and cheerful woman I've ever met. You make the world go round. You're so incredibly special to me, and I don't want you to ever forget that. To you, Jo." He smiled, looking over her features, and how she sat there, embarassed, happy, bewildered. Just a mix of emotions as she had to gather her thoughts. It was only a little speech, but to her, it was powerful to her, it was strong and showed the link of their relationship and how they were held to each other with strong chains.

After a few moments, she accepted the toast, and they clinked their glasses, sipping the champagne and revelling in the unique tastes of sparkling fruit, and how different grapes taste when it's alcoholic.

After their dinner, and Dean paying the extortionate price for something that was beautiful, and just to enjoy a good meal in the company of his beloved. He wouldn't complain though. He would understand that that was the price to pay for good things. He would cherish every good moment he got, and realised that it was about to get a whole lot worse, in the next fourteen days.

_Fourteen days._

Some people may say that fourteen days is quite a bit of time, that that gives them enough time to go out and enjoy the world. But it wasn't, really. He could close his eyes and open them and the next minute he knew, the deadline was there, and he was going to have to man the hell up and face it.  
He was terrified. But he knew this was what he had to do. He was destined for this job.

He decided that they should take a walk, and he led her through a park, walking along the paths with her, holding her hand tight. He watched her shiver and he halted to take off her jacket and wrap it around her shoulders. He would make her warmer, even if it meant that he became colder. Anything for her. She was his world. The most important thing...  
He pulled her close to his body, his hand rubbing over her smooth shoulder. They didn't talk much, and just took in the scenery, the way the trees rustled gently to the cold autumn air.

Next, he heard a loud squeal, and then a loud clap. Looking up, there was a burst of colour in the air.

Fireworks.  
Jo looked up, mesmerised by the colours, how bright they were. They flashed fast, and faded away. Just like lightning. Despite how loud they were, she loved them. She always had. Ever since she was a kid. She was constantly begging to be taken to firework displays, whenever she had the chance. Even if it meant standing out in the cold for hours, standing around as she waited for the fireworks to shoot up in the air and explode so beautifully into an array of color that the crowd wouldn't know, that they would just have to wait and see. A surprise with each firework.

"Aren't they beautiful, Dean? Aren't they?" She asked, just like a child. He smiled and nodded.  
"Yeah. Beautiful... Just like you." He told her, nudging her playfully. She glanced to him and smiled. He plastered on a smile for her sake. He knew that he had to. That he couldn't show any hint of sadness. If he did, she would instantly catch on that something was wrong.

"Come on, let's go sit down." He told her, nudging her along gently. She stood for a few moments more, staring up at the sky in anticipation, wanting more bursts of colour. But they didn't come. She pouted slightly. No matter the occasion, she was constantly returning to her childish roots and mannerisms. Dean had picked up on every one of them, and sometimes he would sit there and tease her about them, just because it was amusing and he loved getting a reaction out of her.

They sat down on the cold wooden bench and he pulled her close into his arms, her head rested on his chest. They had a beautiful view of the bright green grass ahead of them, scattered trees and between the branches they could see the glistening waters of the river. It was a picture perfect scene, but where they were sat wasn't for such a good occasion. In fact, it was the complete opposite. This is where proposals should happen. Not this kind of news.

He buried his nose in her hair, smelling the hibiscus and lavender shampoo she had used. It wasn't overly powerful, but it was strong enough that he could still smell it. It was a very feminine scent, but suited Joanna Beth extremely well. Her skin smelt like coconut and vanilla. Just like biscuits. She was sweet smelling, which fit her well considering she was such a sweet, beautiful and loving girl. God, he didn't want to leave her. Not like this. She may have been strong, and able to look after herself, but he felt wrong leaving her on her own. She shouldn't have to be on her own, just because of his stupid goddamn choices... He was screwing this up. He could turn back now, just drop out.

"Jo... Baby. I've got to tell you somethin'. Somethin' you're not gonna like. No, I'm not cheating on you. I promise you that." He told her, turning on the bench to get a clear look at her. Her eyes were full of fear, but her face was a clear expression of naivete. He sighed quietly and his heart lurched against his ribcage. This is what he was leaving behind. He was ruining this girl's life.

"I'm going to the army."

He didn't say anything more after that. They both just sat there in silence. Jo didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to handle the information that he just fed her. Her brain was juggling it, trying to give her an appropriate response, a response that he could work with. She continued to look at him, her eyes trying to read off something that told her that he was lying. But she found nothing- he wasn't lying. God, he wasn't lying. This was real.

As soon as that clicked in her brain, something snapped and she let out a small whimper. She didn't want to believe it. This wasn't true. He wasn't leaving her. She shook her head, her hand covering her mouth to muffle the sounds of her heart tearing apart. The quiet cries.

"No; don't lie to me, Dean. Not now... Don't leave me now." She begged him, taking his hands and gripping them tightly, pleading for a different answer. She refused to believe it. Even him telling her that he had slept with someone accidentally would have been better than this information. Her heart was shattered, just by using five words. Five words that shouldn't exist, that shouldn't ever have to be heard by anyone. He didn't say anything to her. He couldn't. Because if he did, he would cry too. He didn't want her to see that. Dean wanted to show that he was still confident, full of hope, comedy, and love for her. That he wouldn't cry over this because this is what he wanted. He wanted to go to the army and fight. Fight for his country. That's what he was destined to do.

She held onto his shirt, clutching desperately. She continued to sob hard against his chest, tears splashing onto his shirt and seeping through, some dripping down and splattering onto his jeans. He didn't mind, though. She had every reason to cry. He didn't. He was putting himself through this. Therefore, he wasn't allowed to cry. This is why he refused to cry in front of her. Because he put himself in this situation, he called them, and asked to join the army. It wasn't like he was forced into it... If only that was the situation.

Jo was so confused. Why would anyone want to do that? Hold a gun and shoot people down, killing people who didn't deserve to die. Parents, children, cousins, uncles... The list was endless. They were families out there, and they were dying. And then there was the risk that Dean could die out there... Dean... could die. With that thought, she ripped herself from his arms and ran over to a trash can, her extortionately priced dinner exiling from her body upon hearing such life-ruining news. She wiped her mouth and looked back at Dean. She sobbed and she almost looked apologetic. Like she was the one doing this to him. That she was sending him off to the army, in that hot, itchy uniform that no man should have to belong in.

"How long, Dean? How long do you have left?" She managed to ask, her throat scratchy and her voice a quiet croak. She was embarrassed because of that, but she didn't really have time to care when any day now, her boyfriend was going to be deported to Afghanistan. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, to gather the words and have the strength to pull himself together, make sure that he didn't split apart in front of her. He took a breath, and swallowed thickly. His jaw set. She looked at him, hopeful. Hoping that it wouldn't be soon. That they'd have months to live a free life, to give her time to forget about the news, or at least adjust to it. That's really what she needed. Sadly- that's not what she was going to get.

_Fourteen days._

"Two weeks." He muttered, his voice cracking. He looked at her, but as soon as he saw her gaze meet his, they flickered away again, staring into the distance. The fireworks started again and they shot up into the air. Just moments ago, they were watching them, laughing and smiling. Now, everytime they see those bright bursts of color, it will just remind them of this pain, the pain of being torn apart. That this was the last proper date they may ever go on...

"Don't go! You'll die out there." She cried, stumbling forward to grasp his hand. She had only ever had his best interests at heart. All the time. Jo had only ever wanted the best for him. For him not to be taken away from her. They were inseperable. Even Ellen and John had said that. That they were never going to be apart...

"It's dangerous. I- I might not see you again." She whispered, before her voice broke again, and that small, cracked, cry fell past her lips without a hint of warning, or permission. She couldn't stop it; she couldn't stop the tears that fell down her cheeks. She felt guilty for crying, like she didn't have a right to cry. Just the way he felt. However, she felt as if she was spoilt in this relationship. That she had everything, that everything was perfect. Therefore, it doesn't warrant her a reason to cry, despite the fact he was being exiled out to Afghanistan. That was every reason to cry.

"I'll do everything I can to come back to you. Jo, y'know me. I don't give up easily. That's why I chased you around for ages." He teased. Sure, it was an inappropriate time to joke, but he had to. He couldn't stand to see her cry over him. Not like this. He only wanted to make her smile, to make her happy, proud of him. Not broken hearted... Not like this. She gave a small smile, laughing quietly, which was strangled by a sob. She couldn't help it. She couldn't just stand away from him like this. She whimpered, looked up at him with desperation and sadness in her eyes and he knew instantly. He paced over to her and pulled her tight into his arms. Her small, fragile hands clutched desperately at his shirt, his fingers tangled in her hair as he held her close, just wanting to know that doing this, she'd be safe. He'd get paid for this; bring home money to her, to look after her and offer her a life that was sustainable with the money he made from the army. He could offer her so much, with the money he was going to make. A house... They could settle down together. Maybe after a few years work in the military, he would be able to quit, and then they could start their life.

A perfect life.

"Tell me that you're not becoming a soldier. T-that you're gonna do something else. Drive them around or somethin'... Please!" She begged, shaking him by his collar, her knuckles white from the tight grip she had on his shirt, desperate not to let him go. She knew, though. She knew that she would have to say goodbye soon.

_Three hundred and thirty six hours..._

And he'd be _**gone.**_


	5. Chapter 4: Comfortably Numb

Chapter 4; Comfortably Numb

Time had gone by. In fact, eleven days had gone by. Eleven days... Jo sat in her bed, not eating, sleeping, drinking. She had completely gone on strike from doing anything, from moving. She rarely saw Dean. That wasn't because he didn't try, it was because she refused. She didn't want to get out of bed to do anything. Everyday, Dean would come knocking, in hopes that it would be her who answered the door. Instead, it was Ellen, who just gave him an apologetic smile. She really wished that Jo would come down and see him, to show that him that she still cares and looks upon him with the same adoration and love for him. That she would have that childish sparkle in her eyes, the way her face would light up, her cheeks glowing with a beautiful blush that ever so gently tinted her cheeks with a tinge of pink. The way her smile would grow on her face, the purest smile that Dean had ever seen. How he managed to get a girl like her, he would never know. He was everything opposite to her. Sure, he was attractive... But he was nothing like her. He was the bad boy. A bad boy falling head over heels with a good girl. That wasn't right. He didn't deserve her. But she was desperate not to let go...

Or she was like that, once. However, he barely knew anymore. She didn't answer his calls, reply to his texts... Nothing. Instead, she had completely gave him the cold shoulder, refusing time and time again to talk to him. She made out that she was strong, confident. Everytime Ellen walked in, she would just be lying there or sitting there, doing something. Reading a book, or drawing. Not once,

did she see her daughter cry.

But she did. She did cry. Every damn night, she cried. Screaming into her pillow until her stomach hurt from crying so hard, the sobs wracking through her body. Her eyes would be swollen when she awoke. She would simply sneak through the house to the bathroom and get a cold towel to rest on them to bring down the swelling. She never once wanted to seem weak to her mom, even though she knew that she would accept it and understand. It wasn't everyday that you lost two men in your life; your father, and your lover. It was a hard life, but Ellen understood. She understood the emotional roller coaster that Joanna Beth was yet to face. And God, she wished her all the luck in the world. She knew what it was like to just lie in bed at two in the morning, bawling your eyes out, begging silently for them to come back, praying to whatever God there was, begging that they'd bring them back. That it wouldn't be the end and that there was hope, for them coming back. The nights where you were just so damn numb that the only option was to lie there, wide awake and alone with your thoughts, but you couldn't cry anymore because you'd cried all your tears the night before, wrung them dry of whatever water was left.

Ellen understood.

If there was one person that Jo could open up to and relate to, it'd be her mother. She just didn't have the strength to go there yet. She knew that she was there to support her, but she wasn't ready to face the support and sympathy that her mom had for her. The undying love felt bad enough; as if it was grabbing her throat and strangling her. The love from Dean irritated her. In her eyes, it was if it was patronising now. That he didn't deserve to love her, because he had just torn her apart and ripped her heart out with no remorse, no regrets. That he was just so damn willing to exile himself off to the military and he was fully okay with it.

Well, she wasn't. She was far from okay with it. She wanted nothing more than to just see him smile, get lost in those beautiful emerald eyes. To count the freckles that scattered his cheeks. The way his lips would lift and make such a charming smile. To just listen to his voice and become instantly soothed by it, the way he held her, calming her down and letting her know that everything was going to be okay.

And that is how she fell in love with him all over again.

Dean had had enough. He couldn't take this anymore. This time, when he knocked on their door, and Ellen opened with the same apologetic smile, he gave a small smile in return, but barged his way through. She just chuckled. She had been waiting for so long for him to do this. There were only seventy-two hours left. He was determined to make her smile, to make her happy once more. Even if it was just once, just before he left. He managed to make her smile on that night, why couldn't he do it now? He knocked on her door and waited silently. He made sure not to speak. If he did, it would give him away instantly. He stood there, confident, clutching a bouquet of the typical bunch of colorful flowers that he always brought to her when something went wrong. This time, there was a note attached.

He heard shuffling behind the door, and listened as he heard her scuttle towards the door. The door creaked open and he saw the look on Jo's face. It wasn't a good one. Her eyes widened in shock, but then narrowed quickly, into something of what could look like detest. With that, he felt unsettled, unhappy once again. He stepped into her room, closing the door. He went to hug her, arms outstreched and she just stepped back, like this was the most bizarre thing she had ever seen. That he wasn't human. He frowned at her, and his eyes filled with tears. This was so unlike Jo. Why was she disregarding him like this? It was shattering his heart into mini, dangerous, poisonous shards. Seeing such a horrified look on her face knocked him back. Clearing his throat, he ignored his own emotions and focused on hers. "I bought these for you. There's a note." He thrust them forward towards her. It wasn't the same; he didn't wear the goofy smile he always did. He didn't have that same sparkle in his eyes. They weren't full of life and joy. Instead, both looked at each other, so numb from the heartbreak. Both eyes were just- dull. Containing no hint of emotion. Dean's eyes may have filled with tears, but to her, it didn't mean a thing. He didn't care about her anymore. That's what she thought. She snatched the flowers from his hand, holding them tight. She didn't care about the thorns. Dean was just a thorn in her side anyway. She could handle a few more. She didn't care how hard they pricked her. Blood was probably a good thing right? It means that she was _alive. _

She moved away from him and went to sit on the bed. She dropped the flowers down beside her, and ripped the note from the ribbon, opening the paper with shaky hands.

_Dear Joanna Beth Harvelle,_

_I just want you to know... I still love you. I still look at you and hope to see your smile, the way your cheeks would raise, the small blush you would wear everytime you saw me. Except, I don't just hope. I pray for it. I beg to see it. I love you, Joanna Beth. And I wouldn't have it any other way. If you break my heart, that's fine. Because I know that I've broken yours now. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve the pain I'm giving you. But still, you tolerate me. So I have one more thing to ask you..._

Dean got down on one knee before her. Jo looked at him inquisitively, wondering what the hell he was doing. He wouldn't propose; not now, surely? Was it possible? That he truly loved her that much... Death do us part... Did that apply to them, now that he was going to the military? She laughed to herself.  
"Will you marry me, Joanna Beth?" He asked, looking up with hopeful eyes. It's as if the gaze between the two was rejuvenated. Remade. They looked at each other, both with a look of bursting love, one that couldn't be missed. She sat there staring at him in awe for a few moments before she stood up.

"Yes." She choked out, trying to snap herself out of the daze. She laughed and repeated it again and again. She kneeled down and threw herself into his arms. He laughed too and he held her tight against his larger frame, sighing softly and holding her in his arms, relieved that he had managed to fix everything. This time, he hoped that they would be inseperable properly now. Not just physically, but also, in spirit. Mentally, emotionally. He couldn't imagine a life without her, and neither could she without him. Without him, she wouldn't have anything to look forward to in the morning.

She wasn't expecting a ring; not at all. She was surprised he even had the money for one. But he did. He spent his last dollars what he had been saving up for a few years on a stunning engagement ring that he hoped she would accept, and that she would love. He slid the ring onto her slender finger; a snug fit.

People may disagree with what they were doing, but they didn't care. Yes, they were young. Very young. They were nineteen, and hadn't even been together that long, but he knew this is what he wanted, she was who he wanted in life. He loved her so dearly, and begged the Gods not to take her away from him. And she wished the same while he was out there, fighting for his country. She looked at the ring and she cracked a small smile, a laugh filled whimper passing her lips. She looked at him with hopeful eyes, as if now that he had proposed he wouldn't have to leave. But he had a look in his eyes that told her otherwise. He looked at her with sympathy, endless apologies and a look of love that seemed to be more cast back than what it should be. His eyes should have expressed his happiness and his love for her... But they didn't. And that's what sickened her somewhat. That instead of celebrating the fact he had just got engaged to her, instead, he was too busy feeling sorry for her because he was leaving her, yet again. She didn't want that. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her. Jo wanted him to have faith in her, confidence that she would survive through this time, that she was strong and she could heal and build something new, even if he wasn't there...

Was that so much to ask for?

"_I love you, Joanna Beth."  
"I love you too, Dean." _

Their voices were merely whispers to each other, but the words were muttered in such desperation, such need for each other. That this was their last, peaceful, wonderful moment they had with each other. One that they would have to use to get through each day. Dean, out there, clutching to the chain he wore around his neck, knowing that he had a girl at home waiting for him, anxious for his return home. Everytime he would think of her, he would smile. Remembering the vivid picture in his mind of Jo's face, each delicate feature carved out by angels. He just prayed that the picture would stay that way... That it wouldn't ever fade. He wouldn't want it any other way.

And everytime she would glance down at her hand, she would see the ring sparkling back up at her, glimmering in the light. A smile too, would cross her features. Glancing at the ring would help her remember that Dean was strong, determined and he never gave up, no matter what the situation was. Like he said;

"_If I wasn't determined, would I of chased you around for so long?" _

Reminiscing, she laughed whole-heartedly, laying back against the pillows, remembering his choice of words and how easily he could make her smile, despite her previously crying. It was if her tears were never there, that she wasn't mourning over him, pining, even. Wouldn't that be nice... If she didn't have to do this.

But she did.

**The day Dean leaves.**

He didn't need to take much; a small bag for some things... Personal belongings. A picture of Jo, family... Things he would be fighting for. The things that were his 'prize' for fighting the war and managing to get home again in one piece. Jo spent the rest of the days and hours with him. They went places, they also stayed home, in the short seventy two hours, sometimes too lazy to do anything and just wanting to enjoy each other's company. One day, they spent the whole day in the bedroom. Ellen was probably sick of it, but she understood. If William came back, she'd be the very same. Refusing to let him go. She laughed and just gave them their space, leaving for the day and coming back.

In the last few hours they had together, she cried, she laughed, she smiled. She held onto him desperately, clinging to him and pleading, begging for him not to leave. That he didn't need to go, that he would be safer at home, repeating the same sentences over and over, like the first night, the night he told her the news. That night was one of the most beautiful dates she had ever experienced with Dean, but then it shortly became one of the worst.

"Come on, Dean! I know you're strong, I know you're determined b-but- you don't have to do this. You don't have to leave. We can find you another job! I don't want you to go. I'll miss you too much." She cried, gripping his hands so tight. She wasn't ready to let go. No one ever is; but it's just something you have to accept and get on with. And she really didn't want to. No one ever did. No one in their right goddamn mind would ask their loved ones to go off to war. No person should have ever made war. Love, not war.

This wasn't meant to happen. Not to her. Not to him, either. They had so many dreams, dreams of going places together, seeing new sights. She wasn't going to do it alone, without him to enjoy it and experience it with her. That was hardly fair.

The minutes were counting down and he had little over ten minutes left. He stood there, cradling her, hushing her gently as she continued to sob violently, her body convulsing as she sobbed into his arms. This time; he wasn't in his usual attire. Not anymore. He was a changed man. He was now officially in the military and he sat there, in his uniform, holding her, praying to God that he would come home. After a few moments, he did something he had never done in front of her; he began to sing. He began to sing 'Hey Jude' to her, in attempts to calm her down and reassure her that everything was going to be okay and that this wasn't the end of it.

The car turned up outside the house and he heard the beeping of the horn. He looked at her and he could see the sheer terror that filled her eyes. She was petrified of letting go. He gave her one, last charming smile. "I'll be back, I promise you." He whispered. He led her to the door with him. He pulled her tight into his arms again, knowing that this was the last time for a long while that he would be able to do that. He inhaled her scent for a while, just trying to remember what she smelt like. He kissed her tenderly, trying to remember what her lips felt like.

However, every attempt seemed useless. He'd just have to keep trying, everyday.

They tried to extend their goodbye as long as they could, but they had had their last goodbye. His hand slowly slipped from hers and he walked to the car and got in. He turned to look out of the window, to see Jo. He smiled at her, that same, charming smile that he always used. He waved to her and blew her kiss. She laughed, but continued to cry, waving in return.

God, she missed him already.

As soon as the door shut behind her, after she waved him off as much as she could, and he was so far into the distance she couldn't even see the silhouette of the car. She slammed the door, and slid down against it, allowing herself a moment of weakness as her legs caved beneath her. She let out a loud cry, her fists hitting off the floor as she cried hysterically, begging for him to be okay, to come back.

"**Come back, Dean."**


End file.
